Just read this on another site
The Perils of golf:
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's *rs*."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
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THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A PAY RAISE:
I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labour, i work at great depths, i dont get weekends or public holidays off, i work im dark workplace that has poor ventilation, i work in high temperatures, my work exposes me to contagious diseases, yours sincerely responce:
Dear After assessin your request and considerin the arguments u have raised, we have rejected for the followin reasons:
U dont work 8 hours straight, U fall asleep after brief work periods, U dont take initiative, u need stimulated into startin work, u leave the workplace rather messy at the end of ur shift, u dont always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing correct protective clothing, Ur unable to work double shifts and as if that wasnt enough, U constantly enter the workplace carrying two suspicious bags.
yours sincerely
[b]THREE BLONDES[/b]
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.' So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...' He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.
:bounce::bounce::bounce:
Warming the Bed
Whats silver, 13 inches long and just about the worst thing you'll ever find at the bottom of your daughters bed .....
......
......
......
One of Gary Glitters boots
A few examples of female superiority ....
1. We got off the titanic first.
2. We can be groupies (male groupies are stalkers).
3. We know the truth about whether size really matters.
4. We don't have to break wind to amuse ourselves.
5. We don't have to worry about whether a guys orgasm was real.
6. We can scare male bosses with gynaecological excuses for being late.
7. We can buy a vibrator with no problems, if a guy buys a blow up doll he's pathetic.
All tongue in cheek guys lol
Warming the Bed
Wife says to husband 'I'd like to try the missionary position'.
Husband says 'Great when do we start?'
Wife replies 'How about now, you f*#k off to Africa and I'll stay here .....'
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying fuck you!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Warming the Bed
Is a dog truly mans best friend?
Try this experiment. Lock your wife and the dog in the boot of your car for an hour.
When you open the boot who is really really pleased to see you????
Everyday a man walks up very close to a ladyworker standing at the coffee machine, inhales and says "mmm your hair smells nice". After a week of this she complains to personnel about sexual harassment. The personnel manager says "what's wrong in saying your hair smells nice?" she said "it's keith the bloody dwarf" !!!!!
Warming the Bed
Two little sperm are swimming along. One says to the other 'Are we anywhere near the ovaries yet?'
The other replies 'fuck off we haven't even reached the tonsils!'
Warming the Bed
After a prolonged bout of love making a man climbs off his partner, looks into her eyes and says 'In 9 months time you will have my son and you will call him Hercules'
The woman looks up and replies 'In 9 days time you will notice a small rash and you will call it Herpes'
Warming the Bed
A father asks his 10 year old son if he knows about the birds and the bees?
'I don't want to know' says the boy, bursting into tears.
Confused the father asks him 'Whats wrong?'
'Well' sobs the lad 'When I was 6 you told me there was no Santa, at 7 you hit me with the no Easter Bunny speech and at 8 you told me there was no Tooth Fairy, so if your going to tell me that adults don't really fuck I'll have nothing left to live for'
Warming the Bed
Why was Snow White thrown out of Fairyland?
She was caught sitting on Pinnochio's face saying
' lie you little fucker, lie'
:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
Delivery man calls at a house. The door is opened by a 10 year old boy wearing stockings, suspenders, bra, panties and suspenders ... he has a cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other ... the delivery man looking surprised asks, "is your mum in"? the little boy says .. "does it bloody look like it"?
Sex God
a vibe and a banana are sitting on a bedside table.
the vibe is very nervous and quivering at the thought of the what is going to happen
banana turns to vibe and says, 'i don't know why you are nervous - she is not gonna f***ing eat you!'
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Warming the Bed
Jack and Jill are playing hide and seek.
Jill says 'if you find me you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse. If you can't I'll be in the shed'
Warming the Bed
A nun gets on a bus that's empty except for the driver. She says 'I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I do. I must remain a virgin so it must be anal and I cannot commit adultery so the man must be single. Can you fulfill my wish?'.
'Yes' says the driver and off they go.
Afterwards, feeling very guilty, the driver says 'I'm sorry I lied! I'm married with 3 kids!!!'
'Thats ok' says the nun 'I lied too. My name is Kevin and Im off to a fancy dress party'
Warming the Bed
I keep getting thrown off the new dating website
One of the questions is " What do you want in a woman"
Apparently " My 10inch prick is NOT an acceptable answer"
Warming the Bed
Why are women like clouds?
Because eventually they fuck off and its a really nice day
Warming the Bed
I was at the Hole-In-The-Wall today when an old lady came up 2 me and said " can you check my balance"
so i pushed her over
Warming the Bed
My girlfriend had a terrible accident at the weekend. Whilst pleasuring herself with the Hoover she impaled herself on the nozzle.
She was rushed to hospital and placed in Intensive Care where doctors say she is continuing to pick up nicely.
