A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here.
Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he passed wind.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you pass wind, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee.' 'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours.
You haven't had a chance to see all of our facilities.'
'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I pass wind 15 times a day.
I'm out of here.'
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The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Warming the Bed
85% of Liverpudlian males say that they enjoy sex in the shower ................................ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Warming the Bed
America have got George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder.
We've got Gordon Brown, no cash, no hope and no fucking wonder!
Warming the Bed
A vicar checks into a hotel. At the reception he asks 'I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled?'
'No' replies the Clerk 'Its normal porn you sick bastard!'
What starts with F and Ends in K?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'
Harry : '9.'
Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry : '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !
Harry replied : 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'
Harry : ' Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'
Harry : 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an ' F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'
Harry : 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...
Warming the Bed
Did you know that the fanny is the best engine in the world?
It can take any size piston, its self lubricating, it can start with just one finger and every 4 weeks it does its own oil change .......
The 11th Husband.... A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver
'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him ... (think about it!)
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.' 'Wonderful,' said the husband, 'but why?'
'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
Warming the Bed
Elton John and George Michael have decided to collaborate on their first ever musical venture.
They're doing a remake of the Wizard of Oz entitled 'Swallow My Yellow Thick Load'.
Warming the Bed
A husband and wife are sitting on the sofa one evening watching TV.
The husband turns to his wife and says 'We've been married for 25 years now. Tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time?'
The wife replies 'Well you've got a much bigger cock than all of your mates .....'
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
Warming the Bed
Dear Jonathon Ross
I've recently shagged your daughter. Whose laughing now?
Lots of love
Gary Glitter
