did this before at another forum...........post all your jokes in here..see how many we can get
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a young lad was walking through a department store with his father and they came to the pharmacy department when the young lad spotted the condom display...."what are the pack's of 3 for dad" he asked......."well son....they are for high school kids " he replied...."they are for having safe sex"....they have 1 for friday....saturday...and sunday".....
"ooh..." exclaimed the boy...."so what are the pack's of 6 for then dad".....they are for colledge boys's son.....they have 2 for friday...2 for saturday and 2 for sunday"......"oooh" he says again....." so who are the 12 pack's for then" he ask's again.......and with a disgruntled look on his face his father replies..."they are for married men.......1 for january.....february....march.......".......
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joke thread
Sexlightened
Three guys are walking down the beach, when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.
The first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says, "What will we name the child?"
The guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says, "What will we name the child?"
He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. when she says, "What will we name the child?"
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.
Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."
:P :D
:P :D She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in.
She turns and says,
"You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all
on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
__________________
Man & woman are on holiday in Isreal, woman dies whilst over there. The isrealy officals say "we can bury her here for £300 or you can have her flown back and it will cost you £12 000"
The man says he wants to have her flown back. The offical says why its more cost effective to have her buried over here?
He says 2000 years ago you buried a bloke 3 days later he was alive again..... i'm taking no chances
Sexlightened
There was a husband and wife who decided to have children. The first born was a blonde female who was very pretty and grew up to be quite popular among friends and boys. At the age of 16 she was named "hottest girl on the planet."
The couple decided to have another child. Once again it was a female blonde who was pretty and very popular. And, at the age of 16 she was named the new "hottest girl on the planet."
Well, the Man and his wife decide to have one more child. At the birth of their baby boy the man walks in to his wife's room, takes one look at the baby and says, "Hey, how can that be our son? He is ugly!! He's not only ugly, he'll give our family a bad reputation!"
He then asked his wife, "Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
She replied -- "Well no, not this time!"
:P :D
:P :D Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked,
"What do you have under the newspaper?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Moral of the story........................ never lie to kids.
Little Mary and her mother are at the zoo. Mary sees two monkeys mating and points to them and says "mommy, what are those gorillas doing?"
Mom thinks for a minute and says "um... they're frying fish honey" so then they go into the zoo a little more, and then Mary sees two pandas mating and asks "mommy, what are those pandas doing?"
Mom says "they're frying fish honey, remember what we saw with the monkeys?" Later on that evening when they get home, Mom and Dad disappear into their bedroom for a little bit. When mom comes back down, Mary asks "mommy, what were you and daddy doing in there?" mom says "we were frying fish honey." Mary says "well, you still have some tartar sauce on your lip."
A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take A closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and
notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to
the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the
dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and
says......
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fucking siren, would I?"
Sexlightened
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strike up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He follows her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? Well, that was me!!!"
:P :D
:P :D NEWS FLASH!!!!
All the illegal immigrants and refugees have decided to go home, they have all redecorated their council flats and left them in emmaculate condition. All the benifits they have claimed have been repayed and as a gesture of good will, in recognition of British hospitality, the have decided to clean all the streets of Britian........
Carling don't post in forums, but if they did they would probably be the best posts in the world!!
Professor of Maths sends wife a text;
Dear wife you are 54 years old and you can no longer satisfy my needs so when you get this I will be in a hotel room with my 18 year old assistant. I am sorry I will be home late.
Wife sends reply;
Dear husband you are also 54 years old and by the time you get this I will also be at a hotel with 18 year old pool boy. You are a brilliant Mathematician, so you will know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18 so don't wait up!
:devil:
What do women and KFC have in common.... ?
once your finished with the legs and the breasts,
you've got a nice greasy box to put your bone in.
These three women were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates
and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt,
removed her panties and threw up to the ceiling, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
Teacher asks pupil...
which part of body goes to heaven 1st ?
Pupil replies legs Miss,
I've seen my mum wave her legs in the air screaming,
GOD I'm F*%#ING CUMING!
This man comes home feeling pretty frisky
after partying with his buddies half the night.
He walk's into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him.
He take's off all of his clothes and says
"baby you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite."
His wife opens the window and yells "everybody run for your lives,
there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom
and it only has a three inch fuse."
Who invented the TERM
Suffers from Premature Ejaculation???
Must've been a woman,
because no man would call it suffering...
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
>together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a Bog and
>began to sink.
>
>Scared for his life, the donkey 'he hawed' for the chicken to go get the
>farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
>
>Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
>avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
>chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the
>chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save
>his friend's life.
>
>Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
>arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
>rope the chicken tossed to him.
>
>After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
>chicken hen drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
>rescued the donkey!
>
>Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the
>farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>
>The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
>pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
>too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
>
>The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
>puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he
>would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
>donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
>
>The moral of the story?
>
>
>
>
>When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
One day a little girl went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
Her mother stammered a bit, but finally regained her composure. She thought it must be time that her daughter learned the facts of life.
So, she told her daughter about how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As she explained, her daughter's eyes got wider and wider.
When she was finished, the little girl said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Joe told me. He said that he came from London."
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $ , and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Little Duncan comes home from school one day, all excited, and says to his Dad, 'Dad, I've got a part in the school play!'
Dad says, 'Well done son, what part are you playing?'
Little Duncan says proudly, 'I'm playing the part of a man who's been married for twenty years.'
Dad says, 'Never mind son, you'll get a speaking part next time.'";
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
The Italian Virgin
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee. Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"
One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while leaving his salesman in charge. Soon a woman comes into the porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
The Shopkeeper answers, "£35".
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "£35 for the black one, £35 for the white one".
She: "I think I'll take the black one, I've never had a black one before". She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "£35". She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "£35 for the white one, £35 for the black one".
She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one, I've never had a white one before". She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "£35 for the white, £35 for the black".
She: "Hmmmmm... how much is that tartan one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you £165".
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I've never had a tartan one before". She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for £165!"
A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.
"That, sir, " says the barman, "is a gentleman's pleasure."
So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man's trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best oral sex he's ever had.
Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.
"No can do, " he says, " it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything."
The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts.
That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says: " Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman's pleasure."
"What do you expect me to do with it?" asks the witch.
"Teach it to cook and then piss off!" says the man.
oh and i got banned from b&q some twat asked me if i wanted deckin........so i landed the first punch :wank: :lol:A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man! lumber s out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours - you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 65 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
FIVE KINDS OF SEX
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until
you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in
the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of
everyone in court.
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more
and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in
a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
