A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that
he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store
and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try
the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on
their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and
began making love with her.
Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then
the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked
off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his
results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!
When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3
inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air!"
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joke thread
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took
his wife upstairs for sex.
Just when they were really getting into it, their young son
entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured. "I'm not hurting her. We are
making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the
couple went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son
on the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
"It's those babies you were making with Mommy yesterday,"
the boy answered. "The postman is upstairs eating them!"
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy will improve in two weeks"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried
back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five
pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the computer prints the
following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
:wank: :lol: :wank: :lol: :wank: :lol:
:wank: :lol: :wank: :lol: :wank: :lol: 
Forum Virgin
A SPACE shuttle was launched with two monkeys and a
woman on board. Once the shuttle was in orbit, the
control centre radioed instructions: "Monkey number
one! Monkey number one to the console!"
The monkey scurried over, perched itself in front
of the console and was told to release the pressure
in compartment one, increase the temperature in
engine four and release oxygen to the reactors.
The monkey adjusted the pressure and temperature and
released the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre called again:
"Monkey number two! Monkey number two to the console!"
Monkey number two swung over and settled in front of
the control panel. He was told to add carbon dioxide
to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three,
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse the
solar radiation.
So the monkey adjusted the carbon dioxide, fuel
injection and nitrogen and analysed the solar
radiation.
A little later, headquarters called again: "Woman,
please! Woman approach the console!"
The woman wandered over and sat down. Before she
could receive any orders she blurted out: "I know! I
know! Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything!"
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.
The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and hes actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.
The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot."
The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
Tony Blair and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Tony told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Tony sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you", asked Tony.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter ripped my clothes off ."
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Blair.
The driver replies, "I'm Tony Blair's driver, and I just killed the pig"
Paddy pops round to see his mate Seamus who had just come out of hospital after breaking his leg.
"Will ya pop upstairs and get me slippers for me Paddy? asks Seamus "as me feet be freezin' "
"Ah I will to be shore there Seamus" replies Paddy and runs up the stairs.
Here he finds Seamus' stunning twenty year old twin daughters sitting on their bed.
"and what tis it ye be a wantin of then?" asks one of them!
Well yer Pap aske me to come up and shag the pair of ye!" replies Paddy " Piss off yer liar" they say.
"Ah tis true an all" replies Paddy "Would yer loike me to prove it?"
"Go on then" said the other girl
"Ah both of them Seamus?" Paddy shouts down the stairs.
"O course it bloody was, ye silly twit", shouts back Seamus, "whats the use of fookin' one of 'em"!!
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. 'There's just one problem,' explained the model. 'Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath.'
'That's not a problem,' replied Doris. 'We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.'
'What about your husband?' asked the model. 'Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,' replied Doris. 'Good,' said the model. 'Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight.'
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her. 'It's true, I tell you!' said Doris. 'Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.'
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. 'Well, do you believe me now?' she asked Fred.
'Yes,' he replied. 'I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?'
'Just to show you the difference.' answered Doris. 'But I guess you've seen me millions of times.'
'Yes,' said Fred, 'I have - but the rest of the dart's team hadn't.'
A housewife heard a knock at the door, and when she answered, a man asked her if she had a vagina.
The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said. The following day the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her husband.
The husband was outraged.
"Tomorrow I won't go to work," he said. "If the man returns and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, and I will be hiding behind the door.
The next day the same man came again, and when the woman opened the door, he asked if she had a vagina. The woman replied, "Yes."
"Good," the man said. "Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife."
__________________
Forum Virgin
a man takes a bus load of blind people to the park for the day, he askes them wat they wont to do, they say they wont to play footie, he thinks for abit and then says," ok fine, il put some bells on a ball for ya so u can tell where the ball is," so they all say fine. he goes in the pub, wen he comes out an hour later, he finds that they have all kicked shit outa a morris dancer!!! 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged
that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days
but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done,and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, dishes washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
sorry fifes :D :D
:D :D A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
31 Very Bad Masturbation Ideas - taken from some magazine somewhere
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Though we encourage sexual experimentation, getting too creative can sometimes be a very, very bad thing. Here our readers share some of the masturbation disasters. Learn from their mistakes!
1.
With a tambourine
It was just before my A-level exams and I was masturbating to relax my nerves. I decided to stick my cock inside the thumb-hold of a tambourine on my desk ... Big mistake, because what went in when I was soft wouldn't come out when I was hard, and it was damn painful too. And of course the blood took ages to leave my cock because the veins were blocked by the constriction. So I had to lie down for ages and ended up getting to my exam late. D'oh!
2.
With a bicycle pump
I had heard the term "blow job," but didn't really have a clue what it meant. So, I thought I'd experiment. I got out my bicycle pump, placed the valve on my urethra, and pumped that handle down hard, expecting to feel pleasures beyond my wildest dreams! AHHHHHH! My groin hurt for weeks as I think I tore something inside, but was too ashamed to tell anyone. I really felt stupid. Everything seemed to work fine once I just started masturbating.
3.
With an RC truck
I was fooling around with my battery-operated RC truck. It was upside down and has little bumps on the tires of the truck. I wanted to know how it felt on my cock, so I tried it for a little bit. Unfortunately, it gradually caused me to bleed on the head of my cock. You can barely see the scar now, but it wasn't smart using my RC truck. It hurt and I never did it again!
4.
With a hard plastic love doll
I don't know of any guys who have a fake pussy to fuck. So I bought one. I tried freezing it (it's weird to do it with an ice-cold pussy) and then I tried heating it. Ouch!! Too hot! Then I just fucked it hard and fast. I pulled out during one of my strokes and jammed my dick on the hard plastic lid part of the toy. It sliced my dick and I had to get four stitches. I told the doctor that I had dropped a knife to cause the damage.
5.
With hot sauce
Well, I tried using some hot sauce on my cock while masturbating, and it felt like hell! I'm writing this just to tell other people to NEVER DO THIS!! It is the worst thing you will ever feel.
6.
With a pen
I was masturbating with a capped pen up my anus at about 1 o'clock in the morning. My parents were in the next room so I tried to keep it quiet, but I had a amazing orgasm (or at least from what I have experienced). I stopped before I moaned but when I pulled the pen out, the cap (which was on the pen to keep it from poking me) wasn't on it. I could feel the tip of the cap in my anus, but when I tried to get it out by pushing my anus muscles I couldn't and it went completely in my anus. I was so scared and I couldn't tell my parents. I tried all night to get it out and finally fell asleep. The next day I still tried in vain to get it out, but finally that evening I took a crap and it came out. Whew! I had never been so scared in my life.
7.
With shampoo
During my first semester at college I found that I had a lot of time to masturbate. One night I decided to masturbate, so I put some porn in the DVD player and tried to find some lotion to use as lube. I couldn't find any, so I figured that I could use some shampoo. While I was whacking off it felt really good! The shampoo had a tingling sensation on my cock. Unfortunately, I did not know that the shampoo dries your skin out. My cock's skin got really tight and started to crack, much like chapped lips. It hurt like hell as the skin fell off my cock to reveal new pink skin underneath. I'm fine now, but I always make sure I have some KY on hand!
8.
With wire
I saw an anecdote on the Internet once about how Arabs masturbate and I decided to try it! It involves inserting a long wire into the urethra and down the length of the erect penis. Long story short, the wire didn't follow the path precisely and I ended up stabbing my penis from the inside. I was in the hospital for three days.
9.
With toothpaste
I was experimenting with different lubes, and one time I tried toothpaste. At first it was strange yet nice, but when I was done some of the toothpaste went inside me. It burned like hell for about 20 minutes, and I was in the shower trying to cool it.
10.
With chewing gum
One day I was chewing some Big League Chew gum. It felt so soft and gooey in my mouth that I decided to rub it on my dick. It was the worst decision I ever made! As I was rubbing it on my dick, the gum got caught on my pubes. I got in the shower and spent like an hour trying to get the stuff off. Then I finally decided just to cut my pubes off with some scissors. I had no pubes left.
11.
With Jalapeno peppers
I was making chili with jalapeno peppers, about the hottest kind that you can get. While I was chopping them I didn't realize that the juice and oil in the peppers would burn more as time went on. Later I was stroking my cock and realized that not only were my hands now burning from the pepper oil, but now my whole shaft was burning too! I stopped immediately and tried to wash it off, but I found that it takes something like baking powder to neutralize the acid. Too late!! I felt my cock burning for about a day after that and I couldn't stop thinking about it as a result. I still managed to get in a few orgasms though! Now I wear gloves when handling spicy foods!
12.
With a TV remote
One night I was home alone and watching TV. I suddenly "got that urge" and needed to hump something fast. All I could find to use that was remotely close to a dildo was, ironically, the remote. It was fairly good-sized and I was forcing it in and out of my pussy and rubbing my clit at the same time, and the buttons felt INCREDIBLE. So after I came, I took the remote out and wiped it off on my pants, and started to use it ... but it didn't work! I changed the batteries, I cleaned it as best I could, but all my cum had totally clogged and fried the thing! So I had to throw it against the wall until it looked plenty broken and then I told my parents I stepped on it.
13.
With a pencil
I'm a guy. I was in college, and feeling pretty down on myself at the time for reasons to do with my sexual identity. I was masturbating, and I had begun to explore inserting long and skinny, smooth objects into my urethra/the tip of my penis. One night I had been drinking, and had just had a fairly disappointing sexual encounter with an also-drunk classmate, a gal. Anyhow, I was just experimenting while learning that I preferred guys. So I was back at my dorm, alone, jacking it, and I inserted a pencil, eraser-end first, into my penis. It was clean and new, but the metal edges were a lot sharper than I was realizing, me being intoxicated and all. It hurt, but that seemed okay. But when I shot, the cum came out with a lot of blood. I was horrified! The next day, it burned when I pissed, but it seemed to have healed. However, as a result, years down the road, I have ongoing pain in the section of my urethra where the eraser's metal band cut, and I am prone to PAINFUL urethra infections in this same section of "road." It's really stupid that I still hit myself in the head over this, but there's really nothing to be done save for going to a doctor, which I suppose is the next step. Life sure is funny! Humorously enough, of all my entire life, this is probably one of my very few regrets. It was a case of self-mutilation that was a consequence of my feeling really down on myself. Dumb duhdumb duhdumb, oh well!
14.
With duct tape
One morning after I woke up I was feeling right randy, and I guess a little loony as well! So what did I do? Well, I opened up a chest in my room and got a ring of duct tape, taped it around my little friend, and started to wank. It did not work too good, and now that I think about it, I don't see how it could have, but I was very tired at the time so you can't blame me. I was feeling right loony. But anyway, the duct tape was very tight and started to cut off blood flow. I couldn't get it off so I ran around the house trying to find something to cut with. I found a knife and then started to cut the tape and then "OUCH!" I stabbed myself right in my willy! I had to run to the docs for help and from there to the hospital! I didn't want my penis to come out looking like hamburger meat so I has to swallow my pride and let them remove the tape at the hospital. But my willy came out fine in the end!
15.
With a candle
I was masturbating with a candle like I usually do, but I couldn't find my usual one, so I decided to use a teal-colored one. After cumming multiple times I pulled the candle out and realized it was faded white.... I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and my cum was teal. I'll never use that candlestick again; now I only use white ones!
16.
With a curling iron
When I was first learning about my sexuality and how it all works I decided to try masturbating with a curling iron. It was the kind that is a dual curling iron and straightener in one. At first I thought it was locked and it wasn't, so I tried to lock it and it pinched my insides. That hurt bad enough, let alone a short while after when I realized it was turned on!! I was in pain for about two weeks and, needless to say I never used a curling iron again!
17.
With magnets
One time I put two neodymium magnets on each side of my scrotum. They slammed together and the magnetic force was so tremendous I couldn't remove them without tools. I took two pairs of pliers and pulled like hell. They came off but I couldn't feel my sack until the next day, when it hurt like hell.
18.
With a Barbie shoe
I was masturbating and saw a tiny Barbie shoe. I managed to stick it into my pussy but it got stuck, and when I managed to grab the end of it, the shoe just slipped further in. I managed to sneak into the kitchen without being spotted by my mother and took a spoon from the kitchen drawer, which I stuck in me and eventually used to scoop the shoe out. I threw it in the garbage and now I never do that anymore!!
19.
With a shampoo bottle
This actually happened a couple months ago. I do not own any sex toys, so when I want to masturbate my anus, I have to do it with my finger. Well, one night a couple months ago, I decided to try to find something a little bigger. I found one of those travel-size shampoo bottles under my bathroom sink. I lubricated it and started it using it on myself. I was rather enjoying it, until my fingers became too slippery and the bottle was sucked out of my hands and up into my rectum. When I tried to get it out, the bottle some how turned sideways and was stuck. I couldn't go to the hospital since my mother works there. I just had to wait until it came out own, or I was able to get it. It took three days to get it out, and another seven days before I was able to fully sit down again. Never will I do that again.
20.
With Liquid Heat
I was into masturbating with men's colognes for lubes. My father used this stuff called Heat for his back and I thought it had a wonderful scent and it turned me on. One day my parents were out and I snuck into their room and took my father's cologne Heat. I went into my room and stripped down, laid on my bed, and got myself hard. Then I got some of the Heat and put it on my balls and cock and started to jack off. I had the most intense orgasm! I laid there for about 10 minutes and then got up to take a shower, mainly because this stuff was starting to burn. I got in the shower and when the warm water hit my balls and cock the heat intensified. I was in agony. Soap wouldn't wash it off. I was sore for days. Little did I know that my dad used the Heat for back pain relief. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! Never again!
21.
With a banana
I started to explore different methods of masturbation, particularly focusing on the integration of phallic objects into my routines. One night, as my family slept, I crept downstairs into the kitchen and stole a banana from the fruit basket. When I got back to my room, I began to masturbate with it. Eventually I climaxed, and as I did, I felt/heard this odd "pop." So I immediately attempted to pull the banana out. Upon some exertion, I found myself staring at half a banana; the entire thing had exploded from my bodily heat and the pressure of orgasm. I ended up spending nearly 20 minutes sitting on the toilet, trying vainly to push the other half of the banana out. Unfortunately, the stickiness of the hot mashed banana was impeding its path out, and it was too far up for me to reach. Eventually it slid out, and I spent a great deal of time in the shower trying to rid myself of the banana smell and stickiness ... fortunately, I managed to keep quiet enough and not wake anyone. To this day, I have never used any other phallic-shaped foods to masturbate, nor can I stand to eat bananas anymore.
22.
With a banana wrapped in plastic wrap
Well, my husband is a wonderful man, but he is also physically incapable of having sex. So one day while he was SUPPOSED to be out of town on a business trip, I decided to masturbate. I peeled a banana, wrapped it in Saran Wrap, and went at it. Suddenly, I realized that the Saran Wrap had come off and the banana had squished out into my pussy. This was not pleasant. So I was sitting there in the bathtub, trying to get the squashed banana out of me, when, SURPRISE! My husband walked in. Turns out that his flight had been delayed. It was mortifying! I was trying to think of a way to get myself out of this when he suddenly started laughing. For some reason, this just made me feel worse. I finally did get the banana out, and my husband never brought the incident up again. But I will NEVER, EVER masturbate with fruit EVER again!
23.
With a glass cigar case
I was really horny and wanted to wank, but I felt like doing something a little unusual and kinky. I found one of those cylindrical cigar cases, and it was hard and smooth and I put some vegetable oil on it and shoved it all the way up my ass. I had a great jerk with the toy against my prostate, and when I came my ass contracted and shot the toy out of my ass and onto the floor. It turns out the cigar case was made of GLASS, and it broke all over the place. I was freaked out about what would have happened if it had broken in my ass!
24.
With melted chocolate
One time I melted chocolate and I used it to masturbate, and I fell asleep with it in my hand. When I woke up my hand was all sticky with chocolate, but I still got off good! It kicked ass! But, only problem was, the chocolate was so hot from me melting it that it hurt/was good at the same time. It turns out that I had first-degree burns from a chocolate bar! Never use anything that you just nuked in the microwave. Ow!!!
25.
With a penis pump
In return for buying $50 worth of erotic literature and videos from a certain company, I was given the choice of receiving either a free dildo or a penis vacuum. Not being gay or otherwise interested in inserting anything into my ass, I opted for the masturbation pump. I had never seen one up close, but my first impression was that it looked very cheaply made. It was little more than a fleshy latex sleeve, tube, and bulb. I'm far from hung but somehow on my first attempt my only partially aroused penis immediately filled the tube, thus preventing the escape of air. And because of the suction, I had trouble losing my erection. By the time the sleeve finally split, my penis was ridiculously bright red, swollen around the glans, and smarting at the urethra. I threw the contraption away and promised myself that from that point on I'd stick to my hand and the female anatomy. Thank God I didn't go for the dildo! I might've been slain.
26.
With Lava soap
I used to work in a plastics molding plant and my hands would get quite dirty. I always kept Lava bar soap in the shower to get them clean. One morning I was showering in the dark and grabbed the Lava instead of the Ivory soap to slick up my penis and masturbate. I didn't know the difference until I was done and my penis was rubbed raw by the abrasives in the soap.
27.
With homemade lube
I like to masturbate with lubricant. One day, I wanted to use lubricant but the tube had been empty for quite some time, so I decided to make my own lube. Instead of simply using petroleum jelly, I mixed together Palmolive dish soap and water. I began to feel a painful irritation, but in the excitement, I didn't stop until I'd cum. The next morning, my balls seemed just like they where grilled. They were covered in red spots and my skin was textured like melted plastic wrap. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, thinking it would be okay in a couple of days. Not exactly! I was pulling off dead skin for at least a week!!
28.
With incense
Probably one of the stupidest things I have ever done, I did in a state of drunken horniness. It had been more than six months since I had last had sex, and I was practically screaming for an outlet. After seven homemade tequila benders, I went upstairs to begin a long session of humping my pillow. After several minutes, I was exhausted and seemingly out of juice. That's when I spotted the incense next to my bed. I grabbed it and inserted the narrow end into the tip of my penis. Then, in what was probably a stroke of drunken genius, I lit the other end, thinking that the erotic sensation of a flaming scented piece of wood would really get me off. Unfortunately, I was more tired after the pillow session than I realized, and in my drunken state, I passed out with the incense still inserted into my manhood. When I woke up, the incense had burned all the way down and effectively cauterized my penis. No way in, no way out. To add insult to injury, the remaining shard of incense had contracted too far in for me to move my legs without sharp, wrenching, stabbing, burning pain. It really, really, really hurt!! I had to go to the ER and get my dick effectively reopened at the tip, as well as have surgery to remove the loose piece of incense from my gallbladder. However, after spending a week in traction and then walking around with a safety hold in my dick to stop the burns from healing together and cutting off my opening, I am none the worse for wear other than a small scar and a strange new phobia of scented products. I am never introducing a foreign object into such a vital part of my anatomy ever again.
29.
With bicycle spokes
When I was younger and uncircumcised, it felt good to play with my foreskin. One day, I got the bright idea to let the spokes in an old exercise bike "vibrate" my foreskin. (Think playing card in bicycle spokes.) Well, I was using the peddles to spin the wheels when I lost track of what I was doing. My dick got caught in the chain and then it got pulled through the chain guard!! Needless to say, I am now circumcised! I'm embarrassed by it, but the cut was pretty straight and the doctors were amazing, so to the untrained eye my dick just looks a little lumpy in places (which isn't necessarily a BAD thing, mind you). And yes, I still have sex. (But I stay away from those exercise bikes with spokes! Eek!)
30.
With a deodorant stick
One day I was masturbating with a deodorant stick with the top on. My pussy was so tight, though, that the top kept coming halfway off every time I pulled it out of me, so I put some tape around the top to keep it on. I put the deodorant stick in my pussy and went in and out and so on, and when I was finished, I saw that the tape had slipped off the deodorant cap while it was inside me. I don't know what happened to that tape, but it was about five years ago and I've been to the gyno about 10 times and they say everything looks "just fine," so maybe it came out sometime later and I didn't know about it!
31.
With clove oil
One time I thought I saw something called "love oil" among my mom's various herbal remedies, essential oils, etc. She was busy elsewhere in the house, so I locked myself in the bathroom and tried it on my penis. I didn't even get to start masturbating, it stung so badly--turns out it was actually clove oil (quite a potent substance), and the "c" had worn off the bottle. As with the Tabasco story, the moral is, don't put weird shit on your dick.
__________________
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a
small
knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
tighten
up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman
remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results."
"But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor
looked
at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Oh! Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee."
One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what wooden girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter?"
Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters."
This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter.
As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinnochio, things must be going pretty good with the girls".
To which Pinnochio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > Definitely not!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Why not - don't you like being married?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > Of course I do.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Then why wouldn't you remarry?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > Okay, I'd get married again.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > (makes audible groan).
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Would you live in our house?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > Sure, it's a great house.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Would you sleep with her in our bed?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > Where else would we sleep?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Would you let her drive my car?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > Probably, it is almost new
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Would you replace my pictures with hers?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > That would seem like the proper thing to do.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > Would she use my golf clubs?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > No, she's left-handed.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> >
> > - - silence - -
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> >
> > F**k
