A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop
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Beowulf1Lioness1
Over 90 days ago
Bi-curious Male, 63
Straight Female, 65
0 miles · Derbyshire
Forum
Before you read this story, just answer one question to yourself.
The answer should be a simple yes or no, here is the question:
Do you have a goldfish? Just answer yes or no, and then read below.
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
Rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
Stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
Occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
The better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
He sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
Beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
What you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
Pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
Garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
Large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
To assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
Quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
With your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
Very often.
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
About your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
:wank::wank::wank::wank:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!â€
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?â€
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine,
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?â€
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?â€
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
FROM: LINDA ANDREW
COUNTRY: ABIDJAN, IVORY COAST
DEAR LOVELY ONE,
PLEASE PERMIT ME TO INTRODUCE MY SELF TO YOU,
MY NAME IS LINDA ANDREW,I AM 20 YEARS OLD, THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE MR MORRIS ANDREW WHO WAS A FAMOUS COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN HERE,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST (COTE D'IVOIRE). I AM SEEKING FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION TO HELP ME TRANSFER THE SUM OF (US$10,500, )TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE OF AMERICAN DOLLARS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
PLEASE, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL FUND AS A MODE OF COMPENSATION FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND TIME. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE ALL THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS IN RELATION TO THIS FUND DEPOSITED BY MY LATE FATHER IN THE BANK.
PLEASE DO CONTACT ME THROUGH MY PRIVATE
EMAIL ADDRESS,FOR CONFIDENTIAL AND SECURITY REASONS )
PLEASE KINDLY MAIL ME IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS MY LETTER FOR ME TO GIVE YOU MORE IMPORTANT DETAILS CONCERNING THIS FUND AND EQUALLY SEND YOU MY PHOTOS SO THAT YOU WUILL SEE AND KNOW WHOM I AM.
THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
LINDA ANDREW
just had that one :2fingers::2fingers::2fingers::2fingers::2fingers:
straight in delete bin and report to admin
:giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!"
The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"
"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ..."
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: "So whaddaya got in the bag?" The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.
Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: "Where the hell'd ya get that?" The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says: "I want a million bucks."
So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."
To this the man responded: "No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!"
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
[quote user=debbie1959]pissed off with ISP
cant get my emails bloody NTL,there stacking up and still cant read them.[/quote]
cant believe anyone still uses thier isp email facility.......use hot mail can access them from any computer then........when i gave up on ntl (still got them as isp) i just had all the mail diverted to my hot mail account......2 years later it is still getting here :happy:......i only set them up cos i HATE outlook express :giggle::giggle:
[/quote]
oh lord!...no stopping her now! :giggle::giggle::giggle:dont know if anyone else is getting this prob......it seems the sites clock is about 6 hours behind.....if i send a mail at pm for example it shows up as being sent at am.......i know its doing it the other way round too....i know someone sent me a mail at but it showed up as being sent at ...strange
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Bristol and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the man behind the desk.
The job Centre assistant sorts through his files and replies,
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's an annual salary of £35,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."
"Oh, why, is that where the job's at ?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."
Paul and Lynn
:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:
Anyone think that will work?
:whistling::whistling:
:rose:[/color][size="18"][/size][size="24"][/size][/quote]
not a chance, hun :giggle::giggle::giggle:I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 50-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No" - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
:D