Inspired by repeated requests from newcomers for advice and tips on what to do to get into the swinging 'scene' we have devised this invaluable guide that all should read before embarking on any sexual adventures. It is aimed at single males attempting to arrange threesomes since this is the largest target audience demographic we feel.
So, single male swingers, here follows the advice you were looking for.
[B]The Rabbits Guide To Swinging[/B]
Do realise that the swinging scene is full of weirdos and sickos and you can't tell who they are - therefore always be prepared. Assume your hosts are weird and sick when meeting them until you are able to ascertain otherwise, and converse with them accordingly.
Do take sensible precautions when going to meet your hosts (see above). Bring with you at least two forms of effective protection. A large axe and a machete should be adequate. Ensure they are prominently displayed - this will act as a deterrant and reduce the risk of you being robbed or killed.
DO always be on the lookout for further swinging opportunities. Always ask your hosts upon arriving whether the wife plays alone. This will give the impression of you being a responsible and experienced player and will gain you valuable respect, and more than likely further shags.
DO be polite and offer to reimburse your hosts for the sexual favours they are bestowing upon you, but DON'T offer this in a monetary fashion. Instead offer to do odd jobs around the house, such as fitting shelves or mowing the lawn. This will give you a valuable further opportunity to visit the house at a later date during the day while the husband is at work, so you can knock off the wife once more in his absence.
DO your research - find out as much as you can about the address at which your hosts live by using the internet. Then you can amuse them with interesting anecdotes about the people who lived and died at that address before them, which is always a good ice-breaker in the general chit-chat period before moving on to the actual play.
DO tell as many people as possible who you are meeting and where. This is for your own safety. Discuss your hosts and what activities are planned on every available internet forum in the hope of turning up anything which you may need to be forewarned about before meeting them.
DO a reccy visit to the address several hours before the actual meeting is scheduled. This will not only ensure you do not get lost finding the place, but may give you the opportunity to intercept other parties leaving the premises who more than likely are also swingers whom you can interrogate to reveal further information about your hosts vile habits. Remember, forewarned is forearmed.
DO have a good drink before arriving at your hosts, to ensure the smooth flow of proceedings. In fact you should assume that they will have started without you, so you should show your appreciation by arriving slightly inebriated.
DO take plenty of good porn with you as they will most certainly want to watch some. As you will not be aware of their particular tastes, take a selection of everything including a good range of gay, BDSM, fetish and Japanese material.
DO ensure a picture is taken of every angle and position so that it can later be ascertained who exactly was fucking who. DON'T allow your hosts to have the pics however, unless you care not if they are posted widely on the internet or on your local village hall notice board or sent to your parents.
DO show your appreciation for the female host by talking only to her during the entire event. DON'T attempt to strike up a conversation with the male host lest he should form the impression you are gay and try to bum you when you are off guard.
DO maintain your guard at all times lest the male host is gay and tries to bum you anyway (see above).
DO always show your consideration for the neighbourhood. Knock on the door of the neighbours of your hosts upon arriving, even if they live some distance away, to advise them of proceedings so they can ensure curtains are drawn and doors and windows closed thus minimising the possibility of either party being disturbed.
DO ensure that you return within five minutes of leaving the premises upon the pretence of having forgotten something - this is to ensure that a) they actually live there and were not burglars (in which case you can take the opportunity to shop them to the police and sell the stolen goods on Ebay), and b) they haven't started making fun of you in your absence (see below), which you will always be able to tell by the perplexed look on their faces.
DON'T ever allow a picture to be taken of your face or your private parts by your hosts. They would probably enlarge and attach it to a dartboard and make fun of you when you are out the door.
DON'T reveal too much about yourself, and DO always use a false name. Your hosts are clever and deceitful and can easily find out where you live and come and steal your car and children.
DON'T waste time by wearing underwear before arriving. In fact show you are willing and prepared by wearing no clothes at all save for a dirty mac and wellington boots (lest the address turn out to be a farm or other such country dwelling).
DON'T accept any offer of food in case it is laced with rat poison. But DO call your hosts' bluff on this by exclaiming loudly that that is exactly why you are choosing not to eat it.
DON'T leave pets at home unattended. You have no knowledge of how long play is likely to last and you may be away several days. Bring any pets with you, any respecting hosts should allow you to leave dogs or cats tied up in the hallway, especially if they also have dogs, and this peace of mind will enable you to relax and enjoy proceedings without anxious interruptions.
DON'T fart near someone's face during play. If you must fart, engage in a damage limitation excercise by doing it at the other end of the bed.
DON'T give the female host the opportunity of having your illicit child, which she may be after. Always seek alternative outlets for the 'money shot' such as the carpet, sock drawer, the lamp shade, windows, kitchen sink, coat rack, tumbledryer or child's bedroom.
DON'T wipe your dick on the curtains after play. Always wipe it before, so that your hosts can see that you care about personal hygiene and will be more relaxed about you engaging in disgusting toiletary acts with them.
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Rabbits Guide to Swinging
:lol:
If the headlines in Sunday's News of the World read "Swinger Killed in Machete Attack by Inebriated Weirdo", we'll know it's had the desired effect!!
Warming the Bed
Invaluable advice, followed it to the letter.
Rich
Dartmoor Jail - On remand pending sentancing...;-(
Sheesh... is this a long way of saying there are a lot of total fukwits around?
Maybe, Ms Rabbit, you should create a sort of online swinger IQ test, or something like that?
If they can't even manage to hit the submit button or find the form, then you would screen off a lot of assholes right there!
.... maybe there's a business opportunity there?
Here's another:
DO - arrive at the couples house wearing wank stained PVC chaps, and nothing else, apart from a shit stained gimps hood. This way the hosts will know you are a pro and not shy, inhibited and unexperienced.
thanks,
John
x
Post edited 12-10-2005 1:19
Sexpert
[quote user=raunchyrabbits]DON'T wipe your dick on the curtains after play. Always wipe it before, so that your hosts can see that you care about personal hygiene and will be more relaxed about you engaging in disgusting toiletary acts with them.[/quote]
[color="olive"]Ahhh! That's why no one want's to meet us! I'll have to refer to this thread more often! And to everyone we've met previously, So sorry about the curtains! lol[/color]
:bounce:
Sexpert
Bladdy hell ........ invaluable advice from my lickle wabbits ..... having met them too, but how the hell did i miss their thread 1st time round and especially those bladdy fab booby cpl dissing me too ..... who i also met !! lol xxx
It also kinda shocked me how old the thread was ..... and how long i have been on SP too ........ awhhhhh those were the hey days of SP too tho !!
Have fun tho peeps ....... mwah xxxxx lol xxx
Sexpert
Hey Olivia ....... i'm old skool SP !! lol xxx
Some guys are just chancers and flashes in the pan ....... i'm just bladdy stubborn i think !! hehehe xxxx
Now as for your good self maam ..... just pace yourself ok !! mwah xxxxxx
Sex God
[quote user=fun4u2me2]Hey Olivia ....... i'm old skool SP !! lol xxx
Some guys are just chancers and flashes in the pan ....... i'm just bladdy stubborn i think !! hehehe xxxx
Now as for your good self maam ..... just pace yourself ok !! mwah xxxxxx[/quote]
Sex God
[quote user=funkydiva35][quote user=fun4u2me2]Hey Olivia ....... i'm old skool SP !! lol xxx
Some guys are just chancers and flashes in the pan ....... i'm just bladdy stubborn i think !! hehehe xxxx
Now as for your good self maam ..... just pace yourself ok !! mwah xxxxxx[/quote][/quote]
And i can vouch (vouch, ffs is that the word i want or hav i made that up, fuck knows) for the very sexy Fun4, cus he gav me a very good seein too and heres to my next one, but this time wiv Mr Funky there......fuck i cant wait, god need a wank jus thinkin bout it!!
Funky as Fuck...xx:P
Sex God
FUCKED THAT UP DIDNT I???..............
Sexpert
[color="olive"][quote user=fun4u2me2]Hey Olivia ....... i'm old skool SP !! lol xxx
[/quote]
[color="olive"]Pmsl! "old skool massiv aii!" Can't work out if that's something to be proud of or not! The really sad bit is we remember Mr raunchyrabbits as redwhiteandblue!
Miss_cc none of us are old just addicted! lol
Nice one Jels, we miss threads like this![/color]
Sexpert
Awhhhhhh fanx Funks !! lol xxx
As for being proud ...... who said i was proud of it ??!! hehehehe
I remember em as RWB too S & N ..... but then again ..... i remember you as cmandcd too !! It were proper bo ..... i mean old skool i can tell thee !! hehehe. Mwah xxxxx
and sticks hand up to be miolested by CC first next year, the both of us :devil::devil::devil: