What is the difference between girls/doris aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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joke thread
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over
her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene : What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene : Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
A man walks into a chemitis and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife, so she directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this...
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tobacco pouch and some rizlas; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
A man came home from work, thinking no one else was home yet. As he hung up his hat and put down his briefcase, he heard loud moans coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what was going on, he crept stealthily up the stairs, tiptoed down the hallway and gently pushed open the door, to find his daughter lying flat on her back on her bed with her bra pushed over her breasts. Her knickers were around her ankles, her eyes were closed, her mouth was hanging slackly open and she was rubbing a Rabbit vibrator feverishly between her widespread thighs.
Shocked, he blurted out: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, but unable to stop so close to her orgasm, his daughter yelled at him to get out and shut the door.
Her father stumbled down the stairs in a daze and sat in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would abuse herself in this manner. Ten minutes later, his daughter walked in dressed in only her bra and knickers and admonished her dad for not knocking before entering, and then said: ""Censored" it, dad — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?"
Her father said: "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon."
She replied: "No, Dad. It's not gonna happen. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
A few weeks later, the daughter came home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and her Rabbit vibrator in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yelled out. "What the "Censored" are you doing?"
Her father casually looked up over his shoulder at her and said: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
*** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT �£200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
Inland Revenue genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has
ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old doris is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20,
even
though it's only for None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A doris will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical doris's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A doris has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A doris worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful doris is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A doris marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a doris expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A doris will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake u p as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A doris knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
_________________
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
A man joins the navy and is away for quite a while. After a couple of weeks, he asks one of his shipmates - "what do you do for sex around here?"He`s shown a barrel with a hole in it. Not impressed, he tries it anyway and loves it!!,and tries it the next day and the next!!"Can i do this eveyday?" he asks. Not on wednesdays. "Why not?" Cos Wednesday`s your turn in the barrel!!
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and
THAT'S when the fight started . .
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
> > several times in the space of a few minutes.
> >
> > The doris sitting nearby notices this and asks,
> > 'Is your date runninglate?'
> >
> > 'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch.
> > I was just testing it.'
> >
> > The intrigued doris says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?
> > What's so special about it?'
> >
> > The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to
> > talk to me telepathically.'
> >
> > The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
> >
> > 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
> >
> > The doris giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken
> > because I am wearing panties!'
> >
> > The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's
> > running about an hour fast'.......' Can I buy you a drink? '
> >
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, " I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
Yep! I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20 just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man .
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
_________________
A doris was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g
pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The doris was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of anything other than Stella! Whats wrong with Stella asks the Barman? Well, last night I bought 12 pints and, when I got home, I was fu**ing skint says the man! Well, after 12 pints of any beer you would have spent plenty says the Barman! No says the man, skints my Jack Russell............
_________________
Two farmers were rounding up their sheep together. A particular feisty ewe managed to get it's head stuck in a fence so the one farmer says... this is too good an opportunity to miss... then dropped his trousers and gave the ewe a good seeing to... when he had finished he said to the other farmer.. you fancy a go? too right said the other farmer who quickly dropped his trousers and stuck his head thro' the fence 
Torrential rain has been hampering relief efforts in the Chinese earthquake zone....
Luckily for survivors,it's been raining cats and dogs
***
A man walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some birth control pills for his daughter. The assistant asks the man,
"Is your daughter sexually active?"
The man replies, "No, she just lies there like her Mother."
***
My mate David was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called Dav now.
***
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ....Do you think:
(a) You need more time together,
(b) She's a prude, or
(c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?
***
Austrian Women are like good wine....best when left to mature in a cellar.
***
There is a new girls' doll out on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no house, no car and no farm.
It's called Zim-barbie.
***
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross
***
According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten
***
What goes beep beep beep?.......................
The Rangers open top bus reversing back into the garage.
***
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
