A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, “I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Poor man asks, “Why did you buy her two gifts?†The rich man replies, “Well, in case she doesn’t like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. “I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, “Why did you buy her those gifts?!†The poor man replies, “Well, in case she doesn’t like the flip flops, she can go f*ck
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joke thread
Sex God
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'...........
funkyD xx:P
Sex God
The fairy
A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof... She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and poof...
He was 90...
Morale:
All men are bastards but at least the fairies are on our side......
Sex God
Those difficult words.....
A high school teacher in birmingham asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy’s farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to dudley zoo and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word,
"fascinate."
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Billy said, "My cousin’s wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight
funkyD xx
Sex God
Why do men exist?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
sexy miss funkyD xx:P
Sex God
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
- Well, yes, I did once.
- Well, how did he look?
- Very angry.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
- He was looking through the window.
Sex God
After a nice dinner the two elderly couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the living room.
One of the gents said to the other,
- I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.
The other gent said:
- Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name.
Sex God
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don’t know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast was clear."
btw i love blondes really!!
funkyD xx:P
A guy met an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad
at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot
daughter.
They drank a bit, and got more cozy, and she asked if he'd ever
had a 'Sportsman's Double'?
'What's that?' he asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh...' he said as his mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And he wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. They drank a
bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was his lucky night.
They went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'
Your in a car driving at a constant speed, to your left is a fire engine, in front is a galloping pig you can't overtake, behind is a helicopter flying at ground level, all are travelling at the same speed as you, what do you do to get out of this dangerous situation?..........Get off the kid's merry go round, you drunken bastard!
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money he turns to a customer and asks 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied 'No sir! I didn't, but my wife did.'
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Great Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be builders of empires, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them. I call them French."
[quote user=salsapaul2]shag... funny word isn't it
To a smoker its a tobacco
To an American its a dance
To an ornithologist its a bird
To you it's just a remote possibility[/quote]
like the word 'fanny'......the yanks are always back to front......and never ask one if they have a fag to spare.....bwahahahahahaha:giggle::giggle::giggle:
:notes::love:The worlds shortest fairy tale
nce upon a time,a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" the girl said "no" and she lived happily ever after,went shopping,drank wine with friends,always had a clean house,never had to cook,had a wardrope full of shoes and handbags, stay skinny and was never farted on . the end
nce upon a time,a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" the girl said "no" and she lived happily ever after,went shopping,drank wine with friends,always had a clean house,never had to cook,had a wardrope full of shoes and handbags, stay skinny and was never farted on . the end Wrapping presents with a Cat
1 Clear a large space on a table or worktop for wrapping your present.
2 Go to cupboard and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3 Open door and remove cat from cupboard.
4 Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5 Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6 Go to drawer, and collect sellotape, ribbon, scissors, labels, etc..
7 Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be performed in a logical manner.
8 Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and place string on table.
9 Remove boxed present from paper bag.
10 Remove cat from paper bag.
11 Open box to check present is in it, remove cat from box, replace present in box.
12 Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13 Try and smooth out paper, discover cat is underneath and remove cat.
14 Cut paper to size, keeping the cutting line as straight as possible.
15 Discard first sheet of paper due to cat chasing scissors and tearing paper.
16 Cut second sheet of paper to size and restrain cat by putting it in bag present came in.
17 Place present on paper.
18 Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Discover cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19 Place heavy object on paper to hold in place while tearing sellotape to length.
20 Spend fifteen minutes carefully trying to remove sellotape from cat.
21 Seal paper with sellotape, making corners as neat as possible.
22 Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23 Try to wrap present and tie ribbon in a pretty bow.
24 Re-tie ribbon and remove paper, which is now ripped due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25 Repeat steps 13 - 20 until you are down to your last sheet of paper.
26 Decide to skip steps 13 - 17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27 Put present in box, and secure with string.
28 Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29 Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for bathroom.
30 Once inside bathroom, lock door and start to lay out paper and materials.
31 Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and re-lock.
32 Repeat previous step as often as is necessary until you can clearly hear cat on other side of locked door.
33 Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult if you have a small bathroom, but do your best).
34 Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Then remember you haven't got any because cat helped wrap present last year as well.
35 Return to bathroom, lock door, sit on lavatory and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36 Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sellotape. Attach pretty ribbon and decorate with additional bows to hide worst areas.
37 Label present. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on completing a difficult job.
38 Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make stiff drink and feed cat.
39 Spend twenty minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40 Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41 Have several more stiff drinks. Then pick up present and stagger back to shop and get nice assistant to gift-wrap present for you.
__________________
A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed
a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:
'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which
airline she works for. '
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the
Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought
to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he
leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked
himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said,
'Smooth as Silk?'
This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the F*** do
you want?'
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - 'Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!'
Sex God
Smell the fork
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man."
"I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here..."
pmsl
A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young moms and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the 1st mother, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the 2nd mother, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turns to the 3rd mother. 'Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers come on, Dick, we're leaving!'
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
There is a factory in Northern
Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs
when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's a ll over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of
fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into
laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together
and approached Lena .
"I'm sorry," he
said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
Your job is to give Elmo two
test tickles."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The doris rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
_________________
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I’m single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party."
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can just stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's on my bowling team.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!'
A rather attractive doris goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."
