A man is sent to prison and is put in a cell with the biggest, roughest con you have ever seen.
One night the big guy slips into his bed and says "we like to play a game in here, it's called mummys and daddys. which one do you want to be?" He weighs up his options and finaly decides "I'll be the daddy" with that the rough con says "Excellent choice, now come over here and suck mummys cock!"
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joke thread
Sex God
A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a tennis ball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a tennis raquet."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "£750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your raquet and ball. Let's go outside and play a bit of tennis."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Post edited 26-06-2007 10:25
Post edited 26-06-2007 10:25 Sex God
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his young mistress to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said: "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!!"
:doggy:
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
The rest is history.
A man decides to start a farm. So he walks into town to buy some animals. At the farmers' market he first asks for a rooster.
"We don't call them roosters here," the clerk says snootily. "We call 'em cocks."
So the man buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks: "What do you call that?"
The clerk replies: "That's a pullet."
The man agrees to buy one.
Finally, he asks for a donkey.
The clerk replies: "We don't call them donkeys, we call 'em asses, but we only have one left and he's very temperamental."
"What's wrong with it," asks the man, who is determined that he must have a donkey.
"Once in a while it will stop walking and it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears," says the clerk.
The man decides to buy it anyway, and pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.
On the way, the donkey suddenly stops and doesn't move.
But the man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.
"Pardon me," he asks politely, "would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," ! and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
! "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the
mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the
meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on
the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the
right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in
the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she
stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do
it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers
first."
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway."
"You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
Happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in
The wreck and we were unable to find it."
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000
Compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a
New penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But
The thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch."
The bloke perks up at this. "So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for
You to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
Discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you
Decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a
Nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
Time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
Helping you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
Next day.
"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have." says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has" says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"We're having a new kitchen".
NO SEX TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Dorothy and Edna, two \\\"senior\\\" widows, are talking.
Dorothy:\" That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.\\\"
Edna: \\\"Well, I\\\'ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what\\\'s there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMALpletely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!\\\"
Dorothy: \\\"Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn\\\'t go out with him?\\\"
Edna: \\\"No, no, no... I\\\'m just saying, wear an old dress.\\\"
Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Old Trafford.
Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Man U.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
\"Hello Mum, guess what?\" he says (in an Iraqi accent). \"I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me.
\"Wonderful,\" says his Mum, \"Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.\"
The young lad is very upset, \"What can I say Mum, but I\'m so sorry.\"
\"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!\" says his Mum, \"It\'s your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!\"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
\"Miss Whack, I\'d like to get a £30,000 loan to buy a car.\"
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it\'s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, \"Sure. I have this,\" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she\'ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, \"There\'s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.\"
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. \"I mean, what in the world is this?\"
(you\'re gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
\"It\'s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man\'s a Rolling Stone.\"
(You\'re singing it, aren\'t you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Warming the Bed
A guy of 55 goes out night clubbing
Pulls a woman of 57 well fit for her age
there drank a bit had a bit of a snog then the woman asked him have you ever had a mother/daughter 3sum
He replies no i\'ve never been that lucky
She said well tonight is your lucky night
There went back to her place she opens the front door and shouts up the stairs
Mum you still awake ?
Warming the Bed
Imagine if all major retailers started making there own condoms and kept there tag line...
Tesco condoms, every little helps
Nike condoms, just do it
Peugeot condoms, the ride of your life
KFC condoms, finger licking good
Ever ready condoms, keep going and going and going
Pringles condoms, once you pop one you can\'t stop
Burger king condoms, home of the whopper
Andrex condoms, soft strong and very long
Polo condoms, the one with the hole Opps!
little jonny walks into his parents bedroom to find dad giving his mum one, dad throws a pillow at him saying \"get outta here\". a couple of hours later dad hears lots of noise coming from jonny\'s bedroom. heup to find jonny giving his granma one and turns to his dad and say \"aint so funny when its your mother is it?
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
If men wrote advice columns
Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman “Afternoon pal, three pints of Kronenburg pleaseâ€
“Sorry mate†says the barman “I can’t serve youâ€
“Why not?†the bra says
“Coz you’re off your tits and your mates look like they’re going to start somethingâ€
8 ways vodka is better for women than cocks
1 vodka is always stiff
2 it dosn't look smallerin the cold
3it lasts as long as you want it
4 vodka dosn't prod u in the back in the mornin demanding attention
5 you don't care how far down your throat vodka goes
6you can have as many vodka's as you like in 1 night without bein easy
7 you can enjoy a vodka in front of your mum
and finally
8 vodka is always a pleasure to swallow
:beer:
A man is having problems with his penis which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who runs a number of tests.
"I'm sorry to tell you this," says the doctor, "but you've overdone it the last 30 years. It seems you've burned it out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, shocked and deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc said.
"Oh no," she says, "only 30 times! We shouldn't waste them, we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, but your name isn't on it."
:smug:
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take..! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives..; I want to know how she feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: "Nothing's wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy..!"
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
thanks for bumping ceylon....been looking for this thread for ages :happy:
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
