YW Beo, so had I! xxxx
[color="violet"]Migraines![/color]
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
[color="violet"]New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS![/color]
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joke thread
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived
the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake
warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew
his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's
striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable,
then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like
sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll
have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to
the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the
mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked
at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
[quote user=venusformars]I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10.
I named it Mohammed.
I then sold it for £20.
My Question is ….
Have I made a Prophet ..????[/quote]
:giggle::giggle::giggle:...someone sent me that one by txt the other day.....darnt repeat the one that followed it!!
Chap wishes to ask girl on date.
Says to his mate, the problem with asking her out is that every time I see her I get a huge erection.
Pal says, when you go to pick her up, strap your dick to your leg with duct tape.
A few weeks later the two meet again and the pal asks how the date went.
reply - when she opened the door she was wearing a very short skirt and sexy black stockings.
Pal asks what happened next.
reply - I kicked her in the face.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "The Seven Dwarfs", they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack .
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and
Answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around, and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope .
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment, and then answers, "No Dopey,
there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around, and silences them all with an angry Glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere In
the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Man sunbathing on beach is badly sunburned on his legs.
Goes to hospital and Doctor tells him the tretment will be calamine lotion, saline drip and 1 viagra every 4 hours.
Man says, I can understand the drip and calamine lotion..but the viagra?
Doctor replies thats to keep the sheet of your legs
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. She replies "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb...Tidy yerself up a bit."
apologies to any of our scottish bretheren :lol2:
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.
The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be please".
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same," and the cat says
"I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not
paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be " says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the
cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight
pussy."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. "So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating,
what's it like getting intimate with young men?"
"Oh, you know how it is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me."
"How?" asks mom. "Oh, stuff...." says daughter. "Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters," continues mom.
"I don't know," answers the daughter.
"Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me," says mom.
"OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"
2 dwarves go out clubbing for a night and are lucky enough to get pulled by a pair of stunning girls. They get invited back to their place and with their partners each adjourn to adjoining bedrooms.
Unfortunately the first little chap has problem due to an excess of alchohol and is unable to rise to the occasion. To make matters worse from the next room he hears his mate shouting OK I'm coming 1,2,3 aaaargh. This goes on for most of the night and he thinks his mate must be having the time of his life.
They meet up the next morning and his mate asks how he got on. Terrible the first replies, I couldnt manage to get it up, how about you?
You think that was bad, I couldnt even get on the f*ckin bed.
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 50-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No" - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Bristol and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the man behind the desk.
The job Centre assistant sorts through his files and replies,
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's an annual salary of £35,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."
"Oh, why, is that where the job's at ?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: "So whaddaya got in the bag?" The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.
Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: "Where the hell'd ya get that?" The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says: "I want a million bucks."
So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."
To this the man responded: "No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!"
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!"
The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"
"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ..."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!â€
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?â€
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine,
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?â€
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?â€
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
RECTUM DEODORANT, POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container ................................
................................
.................................
.................................
(Wait for it).
................................
................................
................................
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
[color="cyan"] Apologies to all the blonde ladies I know on here, just couldn't resist posting this hehe[/color]
Mrs C mwahxxxxxxxxxx
Before you read this story, just answer one question to yourself.
The answer should be a simple yes or no, here is the question:
Do you have a goldfish? Just answer yes or no, and then read below.
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
Rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
Stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
Occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
The better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
He sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
Beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
What you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
Pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
Garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
Large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
To assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
Quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
With your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
Very often.
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
About your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
:wank::wank::wank::wank:
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop
Warming the Bed
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Great Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be builders of empires, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them. I call them French."
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called
her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" Mom
asked.
"Oh, mother," she began, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had
a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really
horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-
letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!"
And the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
"But, honey," the mother countered, "what four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what
four-letter words he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly; him in the upper bunk and her in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good,"she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
:giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from the pub.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most
Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise...
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain
He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box
Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put
His head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........
BUMP.... BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he
Heard the coffin speed up after him ...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,
Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
Slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
Its chase ..
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
Terrified lad.
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
The coffin ... still it came ........
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it
Came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...
The coffin stopped.
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
