During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but
I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner."
The teacher fainted.
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joke thread
Sex God
elevator. The doctor gave him 3 viagra-like tablets & asked him to use it one at a time.
while he got in to the elevator, he saw a nice looking girl inside & immediately wanted to test the tablet. He had one & couldn't control himself. he stopped the elevator & fucked the girl & finished her off. the girl left the elevator in the 3rd floor, crying. to his luck, an amazing lady in her mid-30's got into the elevator. Again, he took the 2nd tablet & finished her too. she left the elevator in the 2nd floor, crying.
He really was a lucky bastard - again, an old woman in her 60's entered the elevator. Old but looking tight, the guy wanted to finish her too. he took the 3rd tablet & gave a good time to this old lady too.
now that he didn't have any more tablet, he went back to the doctor & asked him for more. the doctor asked him what happened to the 3 tablets he just gave. this told him about the whole thing - fucking a girl, a lady & a oldie. the doctor was dumbstruck for a while. then he gave one more tablet to him. he turned around, lowered his pants and said to him "finish me too & the world will praise you for fucking up my whole family!"
think you cut and pasted the wrong thing there my freind 
:):):):)
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
:):):):)
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery." Sex God
Hey Beowulf you not like my silly jokes
running out of sites :devil:
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked
Post edited 30-01-2007 10:26
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked
Post edited 30-01-2007 10:26 love your jokes, .............sites?.....you need sites for jokes?... :lol: :lol:......when i get the chance ill send you some links
New Vibrator
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop
iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes.
ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn
tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
:lol: :lol:......when i get the chance ill send you some links
New Vibrator
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop
iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes.
ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn
tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff. Sex God
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A young man goes into a chemist to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Post edited 31-01-2007 9:32
Sex God
There was an old man from Nantucket
His cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it!
A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and £7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the £7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."
Sex God
Magic Dildo
A guy goes out to work and leaves his wife alone in the house.
After an hour or so she gets bored and heads off down to the shop.
She says to the shop keeper "Do you have anything to excite me?"
He replies "YES! Glad you asked.
New invention just out called magic dildo.
You say its name twice then tell it to do something and it does!"
"WOW!" Replies the woman, "Ill take one!"
She takes it home opens the box and says
"Magic Dildo, Magic Dildo jump out of the box.
"So it did. "Magic Dildo, Magic Dildo jump into my pussy" so it did.
After 5 minutes of her getting herself off she hears a car on the drive!
She says magic dildo back into the box and pushes it behind a table.
She hears the door unlock and her husband walks in.
HEY HUNNY!" She says.
"What is that fish smell ?
You've been having sex haven't you!" he says.
"No, ill be honest with you. Its a new invention called magic dildo.
It does whatever you want!" She tells him.
He replies "MAGIC DILDO? MAGIC DILDO MY ASS !!
A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside.
She asks St Peter what it is.
He says that's the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and their heads for halos
She says I think I'd rather go to hell, St Peter replies but in hell you will be and buggered.
She replies Yes, but I already have holes for that!
Sex God
Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air".
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
Sex God
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mum. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Casanova
a postman delivering his mail, spots this box thats been broken in the back of his van and theres this arm hangin out he takes a peep wondering what it is opens the box and finds an inflatable doll,so he blows her up and does the business and packs it all up puts it back in the box and later delivers it to the address. several weeks later the chap who ordered it gets a knock on the door, its the area rep he says sorry to bother you sir but we were wondering what you thought of our doll and whether you thought it was realistic or not, the chap replies it was feckin great,the first time i shagged it i got crabs
Casanova
a chap walks into a farm yard and sees a big hole/well and wonders how far down it is,he picks up a big rock and drops it down the well,all of a sudden he sees this big sheep comin for him, so jumps out of the way and the sheep goes down the well like a bullet,he thinks thats weird,a few minutes later the farmer walks across the yard and says hi how you doin, the chap say fine thanks then the farmer says you havn't seen my prize winning sheep anywhere have you,chap say no then the farmer say not to worry he wont get far i tied him to a rock
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Sex God
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack", she cries.
The blond guy rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten pig" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids
Sex God
A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."
She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."
"Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!"
"OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey Cock sucker! it's for you!"
Sex God
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there
Sex God
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up To the doorstep of "a
house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
she saw the little boy and asked What he wanted. He said, "I want to have
sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam
figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick
any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any
diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay For it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch
the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum
Will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad
goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum
and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!!!!!
It the simple ones that are funny. :lol:
:lol: Sex God
A body builder walks into a bar, and after a while and a few drinks, picks up a girl, and decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!"
The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!"
The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his "fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?"
She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!"
A man staggers into a bar. He shout accross to a group of lads,
"I've shagged your Mother" The lads ignore him. He shouts again,
"Up the arse as well" they still ignore him. He shouts a third time,
"She sucked my knob too"
One of the lads stands up and shouts back,
"Go home Dad your pissed"! :devil:
For all the ladies!!!
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
I PRAY FOR A MAN WHO'S NOT A CREEP
.
ONE WHO'S HANDSOME, SMART AND STRONG,
ONE WHO'S WILLY IS THICK AND LONG.
ONE WHO'LL SCREW TIL ME BODY'S TWITCHIN'.
IN THE HALL, THE GARDEN OR KITCHEN.
I PRAY THAT THIS MAN WILL LOVE ME NO-END
AND NEVER ATTEMPT TO SHAG MY BEST FRIEND.
THEN, AS I KNEEL AND PRAY BY MY BED,
I LOOK AT THE WANKER YOU SENT ME INSTEAD.
:lick: :lick: :lick: :lick: :lick: :lick: :lick: :lick: :lick:
