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joke thread
Paddy asks his Mate, Murphy, "Do me a favor and go upstairs and get me slippers."
"No bother," Murphy says, and runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere, girls, you Da' sent me up here to shag ya both," says Paddy.
"Fook off, you liar!" exclaim the twins in unison.
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of 'em, Paddy?"
"Of course," Paddy shouts back, "what's the use of fookin' one?"
Little girl ran crying to her Mother asking for a glass of cider......
"What do you want a glass of cider for" asks her Mum?
"I've pricked my hand on a thorn" says the little girl.
"Why the cider" asks Mum?
"Well I heard my big Sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider" 
Warming the Bed
A gherkin, a cucumber and a Penis all having a cosy chat, they start to tell each other about what they're used for
The gherkin says, well, i get just get stuck in a jar of vinegar until i am required then someone will just come along and eat me whole.
The cucumber says, thats not bad, they chop me up before they eat me!
The penis says, hey you two got it easy, over and done with quick. Me, they lure me into a false sense of security;
they stroke me up and down til i get hard,
then they stick a bag over my head
then they push me into a dark cave and bash my head against the wall until i am sick!
And if that isn't bad enough, when they drag me out again I faint!
A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a stutter.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui.."
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th................."
"Oh sod this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".
"Look," says the beautiful landlady, "who loves a bet? If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman. "Where do you live then boyo?"
"C C C C CC AAAA....... Rrrrrrr.... ."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
Oh no!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out: "D-D-Derry" !!!!!!!
Onions & Christmas Trees:
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there's three kinds of her twenties, a women's
Breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties,
They are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are
Like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy
Is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Mickey and Minnie Mouse have appeared in a California Divorce Court today to hear a divorce petition that is believed to include grounds relating to the state of Minnie's diminshing mental health.
When Mickey was cross examined by the defence, independent medical opinion was that Minnie was of sound mind and body and these grounds for divorce were clearly not proven.
Mickey was quoted as saying "I know she is not crazy, what I said was that she is fucking Goofy !"
Sex God
One day Superman was flying around and then he saw a superwoman woman lying on the floor with her legs wide open and in the nude!
The superman flew down and decided to give superwoman a good shag.
After 15 minutes, superman has done the business and then flew off to look for more insatiable women.
Then superwoman, still lying on the ground, shouts "What the fuck was that?"
Then the invisible man says" I don't know but my arse really hurts!" 
:lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: Sex God
A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.
The Dr. said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.
It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.
A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.
All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me you went to toilet and found a bullet".
He then turned back and said "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!" :moon: :rainbow: 
Sex God
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
..........
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone :rainbow: :rainbow: :moon:
Post edited 19-01-2007 10:47
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest
and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific
D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes
and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr.
Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
Sex God
A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
Sex God
A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
Mail through all kinds of weather to the same village.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family who all congratulated him on his retirement, thanked him for
his years of service, and sent him on his way with a gift token for 100
pounds.
The second house gave him a case of fine 20 year old Scotch whisky.
The people in the third house gave him a wonderful fishing rod complete
With all reels and tackle.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, brought him in, closed the
door and gently led him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced. When he
couldn't take any more, she went downstairs and prepared him a giant
breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon and a cup of freshly brewed tea.
She brought the whole lot up to the bedroom and served him breakfast in
bed. After he had eaten, she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. While she
was pouring he noticed a 5 pound note sticking out from under the cup.
"All this was too wonderful for words", he said " but what's the fiver
for?"
"Well", she said, " last night I told my husband that today was your last
day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to
give you".
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.'
"The breakfast was my idea."
Sex God
A man enters a clock shop and takes out his manhood and puts it on the counter. The lady assistant says to him "Sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop."
He replies "Put two hands and a face on it then."
Sex God
four words:
sex, blowjob, eggs, and wife.
what word doesn't belong????
you can beat ur dick, beat eggs, you can even beat your wife, but you can't beat a BLOWJOB
Sorry sexist joke 
eye:
eye: A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had
sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three'Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been
two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie
Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver
his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the
men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her
legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is
that Fannie Green?
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
Sex God
There was this man and when ever he got his pay cheque his wife would go and spend it. So one day he went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 50 pound note tattooed on his penis. So he went home and when his wife walked in the door he pulled down his pants and said," I want to see you blow this money"!
Sex God
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..
Sex God
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Sex God
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
