Dear Connie:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during the “cooling off” period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the little wounded boy in me talking.
Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you that would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending that I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There is no one like you Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at ‘Hooters' and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought about that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn Lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career or whether the kids can hear us. All of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. She puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Because I can't help thinking, “Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. Se we're doing Tequila Jello shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think about how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out your little sister Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same, please, please, please let me know. Otherwise can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Your Loving Ex-husband,
Dan
_______
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best devorce letter ever!!!!....priceless
Beo... i may have a contender...!
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good wife to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You
came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching
the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever
the case is, I'm gone forever.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't! Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to Bermuda together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife Eve
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good wife is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that it doesn't work. I did notice
when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on
you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on
it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed
fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $ After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
John
like them both lol
i was surprised and delighted when an old girlfriend called me out of the blue.
she was a real wild child when we were together.
she was stunning to look at and great in bed.
we had sex everywhere and in every position and my heart raced when she asked if we could meet up to recreate our best moves.
i warned her that my waistline had grown
and i wasnt the hunk i once was.
she giggled and told me that didnt matter and that she had put on the odd pound herself.
so i told her to fuck off !!!
