My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, > play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in > my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out > of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the > bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot > wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and > you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and > you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I > mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure > this out. (YA THINK!?!) > > So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other > stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so > I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," > yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it > tight and pull. > > It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I > can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of > all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my > next wax strip I move north. > > After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the > ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one > foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip > across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my > vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a > long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! > > I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision > returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. > CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and > spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear > crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. > > I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused > me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in > the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! > There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? > > Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the > hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. > CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is > now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG > mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I > need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the > slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I > penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and > think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may > pop off!" > > What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll > run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the > wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, > right??? > > *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that > used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I > sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued > together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of > the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold > wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had > cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! > > God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone > put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed > before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good > conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the > bottom of the tub!" > > There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal > but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly > where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" > She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown > and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! > Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. > > While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off > with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies > covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and > then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, > dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need > Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. > > My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving > grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I > really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! > > The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my > friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It > works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. > > > I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my > grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF > IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. > Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. > > > Next week I'm going to try hair color......